The One With All The Tomb Raiders
by Arcane Yrth
Summary: Another one of Phoebe's crazy ideas is imminent! Soon she, Chandler and Joey find themselves inside the virtual world of Tomb Raider! Will Joey resist the urge to hit on Lara Croft? Both times?
1. A cup of Joey

**TOW all the tomb raiders**

AN. Rated K+ Just to be on the safe side!

AN. Disclaimer: I do not own friends, wish I did.

AN. This story is based a year after Chandler and Monica bought that new house. Mainly Chandler, Phoebe and Joey will be featuring in this story, and so will Lara Croft. Not sure why.

Chandler was at home cradling his twins babies in his arms. Besides telling neurotic jokes to them all morning, he was thinking about how much he really needed coffee. Maybe that's what two years of being married to Monica just did to you, or maybe it was because he really missed his best friend and wanted to replace the word Joey with coffee.

It was a relief for Chandler that he had finally arranged that date at Central Perk. That's where he would meet coffee and maybe catch up on old times.

"I'm just pleased that for once we can make proper use of that 'Joey room'." Said Monica, "I was already having second thoughts about turning it into an extra room for the kids, where they can store all their junk...I mean toys." She noticed Chandler had been staring at her. "What? They're messy!"

Joey arrived late that morning. Chandler knew exactly why that was, because he had seen him outside Central Perk arguing with his cab driver.

"You can hardly expect me to stop outside every food interval in the city." The cab driver explained.

"Well you could've at least stopped at Subway!" Joey argued.

"I did. You bought a meatball marinara!"

"No, the _other_ Subway!"

Having reluctantly paid the cab driver, Joey stormed into the coffee house. Chandler, who had been listening and in turn losing the will to live, realized that the argument had died down. "Could you _be _any more late?" He said to Joey, in a way only Chandler Bing could have said it. He smiled anyway as the two of them got seated. They gave eachother a brief pat on the shoulder. They probably would have hugged, if it weren't for Gunther staring at the two. Gunther then took under account that he wouldn't recieve a friendly greeting himself, so he hung his head and resumed to doing his duties behind the counter.

Joey took off his coat and hung it over the back of the couch. "So, how are things?" he asked.

"Well great actually, the twins just turned one, and Monica...well let's just say she's gotten to new levels of cleanliness!"

"That's great...I think." He took a sip of, what he assumed was _his_ coffee. Chandler motioned for him not to, but it was too late. "ASPLUSHFF!" Said Joey as he spat out a mouthful of distastefully cold cappuccino.

"I _think_ the sound you just made, makes what I'm about to say a little _lacking-in-observation_, but: Your coffee's gone cold"  
Gunther saw light in the oportunity and quickly took the coffee away. "I'll save this for Ross!" He smirked.

After another ten minutes or so of talking, with new mugs of coffee at hand, Joey and Chandler were cut from conversation as someone sped into the coffee house to greet them. "Hey guys!" It was Phoebe, looking excited and very jumpy. "Hey guys, hey guys, hey guys!" She repeated, in a way that made Chandler want to interrupt,

"Phoebes, I know you've come a long way but, on _this_ planet, we say the greeting...that's it!" Phoebe then produced a laugh which at first sounded serious, but then turned into a mock laugh that resembled Chandler's. She then proceeded to hugging her friends. Joey and Chandler didn't ask where Phoebe's husband Mike was, because they had already guessed he would be hand-cuffed to a water pipe somewhere.

"**OK. Let's look under our seats!**" Phoebe screamed so loud that Joey, for some reason because he was scared, screamed back.

"Uhh Phoebe, if your intention there was to _make my ears hate me forever_, there you have it!" Chandler gasped as he rubbed his frightened ears. Joey stared thoughtfully at Phoebe for a moment.

"Oh it's 'look under the seats and find something cool' time!" He yelled. It was surprising, Chandler thought, how quickly he had switched from being scared out of his mind, to being deleriously happy.

"Yeah I did that once and I found a gun inside! Oh, except I kind of had to put it back, becasue I got in trouble for it." Phoebe said. Chandler stared blankly, there was no way anyone could reduce him to scavenging inside an old seat cushion in the coffee house. Joey however already had his arm in one of the chairs, he was in up to his shoulder when he yelled, "I found something!" After tugging a little under the cushion, he pulled out a fist full of dollars. (no movie pun intended)

"Wow, you're so lucky!" Phoebe said excitedly, as she pulled her arm out of the couch Chandler was sitting on. He had understandably shifted over to a chair.

"Now I can buy that game I always wanted." Joey jumped up and down in his seat. "YAY!"

"Joey, you found three dollars." Chandler deadpanned. Joey had to look for a moment at the dollars so he could count them.

"Yeah, and I also have seven dollars. So altogether thats..." Joey tried with difficulty to add seven and three.

An hour later, possibly how long it took for Joey to add seven aand three, Phoebe, Chandler and Joey were browsing the local HMV store for that game Joey wanted. Although they had to sweet talk Phoebe into joining them, because she said she hated the exploitation of horrific violence in games.

"I get a really bad vibe from them, you know. It's like, these games will one day destroy us so much that it will cause us to live inside our own imaganiations and turn our minds inside out like...mindless zombies!"

"Joey is the one buying the game," Chandler persued, "and seriouly, what mind?" After Phoebe was convinced, it was just a matter of trying to explain to Joey that an X Box game costs more that ten dollars, but that kind of seemed like trying to explain quantum physics to a three year old. So Chandler just made a deal with himself that he would pay for the rest of the game. Afterall, he thought, it can't be that much more.

"Thirty dollars!" Chandler errupted at the sight of the luminous price tag. Why did he have to make that deal with himself to pay for the rest of the stupid game? Then he sighed and turned the other cheek. "I'll pay for it Joe." He said, almost reluctantly. "But seriously, what do you want "Tomb Raider" for?"

"She's really hot!"

"Em, but Joey," Phoebe interrupted, "Do you even _have_ an X Box?"

"Oh, nice Phoebe. Now I have to buy him one of _those_ too!" Then Phoebe said something even more worrying.

"How is Monica going to react if you turn up at your home with an X Box and a Tomb Raider game?"

Another hour had passed and Chandler was back at home, influencing random jokes onto his baby twins. Monica was busying herself in the kitchen, by arranging some small jars of Cow&Gate alphabetically, in order of flavor, and then into chronological order, using the sell-by dates. She then decisively put them at the back of the highest cupboard, to stop Joey from eating them.  
Joey was playing on the X Box in his "Joey room." Monica had allowed him to play in there, as long as he didn't keep shouting innapropriate "Hot girl" comments for the twins to hear. He had also been warned not to eat cheetos over the carpet. Chandler tucked the twins into bed and decided to go across the hall. He stopped for a second to notice a crudely painted sign which indicated it was the "Joey room". As he entered the room he was surprised to see Joey and Phoebe both thumbing away at some X Box controllers. "Hello children!" he added suitably. "Phoebes, I didn't realize _you _were here!"

"Oh, yeah" said Phoebe, not removing her eyes from the screen, "I climbed in through the window."

"Ooooo-kay!" Said Chandler.

"Oh, sorry Chandler," Added Joey, "it's just a two player. You can watch though."

"Yeah but you know," Phoebe said, "you probably suck anyway!" Chandler sat down next to them on the bed to observe the game.

"Wait a minute, how can this be a two player, there's only one character"  
The two of them stopped playing for a moment and thought.

"Joey, this is plugged into your sock drawer!" Chandler said, as he jerked the plug out from under a pile of socks.

"But it told me to do that on the manual!" Joey whined.

"Socks and sockets are not the same thing, Joe!" Said Chandler.

"But that means, Phoebe's been playing all this time!"

"Well she would be, if her joystick weren't plugged into a soccer ball!" Chandler pulled Phoebe's controller plug out of the soccer ball.

"Phoebe! You ruined my soccer ball!" Joey yelled, as he watched the ball deflate from having its three socket-holes punched free. "Put it back in, I can't watch this!" Phoebe hastily put the plug back in the ball. Chandler couldn't help but to laugh at the situation.

"Wait a minute," Chandler pointed out, "If no one's really been using any electricity for this game, then how come Lara is still running around in there?" The three of them stared at the screen and searchd for the cable connection to the wall. The games console itself had atleast been plugged in correctly.

"Maybe it's a preview." Joey said. Everybody shrugged, assuming it was a rediculously long prieview. Chandler plugged Phoebe's controler into an actual socket, "Watch guys, this is a socket. It lives on the wall. It's not a sock. It's got nothing to do with soccer"  
Then Joey saw a big red button on the X Box. "Hey, what does it say about _this_ in the manual?" he said, pointing at the flashing object.  
Phoebe picked up the manual, "It says, 'Do not push it!' "

"Oops!" Said Joey, shamefully looking at the floor.

"What do you mean "oops!" " Said Chandler.

"I sort of...pushed it!"

"We're inside the game"  
"Your powers of observation astonish me, Joe."

It hapened so fast that the author didn't even take the time to add a description of how they got there.

Joey, Chandler and Phoebe were standing in what appeared to be a virtual landscape of jungle terrain and the ruins of some ancient architechture. There was some strange, atmospheric music playing all around them.  
Suddenly a huge, beastly creature leaped in front of them. It made everybody scream as it clawed and snapped at them and exposing its mighty jaws. Then about ten shots rang out from behind them, hitting the beast and causing it to howl. Then it plumeted to the ground and faded away. The friends, who appeared to be unharmed, uncovered their shocked faces and turned around. Lara Croft blew the smoke from her pistols and stared. "I hate wolves." She withdrew the pistols amidst a long period of silence.

"How _you_ doin'?" Yes that was Joey. Lara chose not to dignify that with an answer.

"Oh my god," said Phoebe, "we really have ended up living inside our own imaginations! No wait, if this is my imagination, then where's Princess Peach?"

"Could easily be _my_ imagination!" Joey said as he looked Lara up and down.

"Stop staring at me." Lara scolded at Joey, "And what _are_ you all, relic hunters or trophy hunters?" She looked at the others. "I assume because you almost let that wolf devour you, that you're not familiar with the art of tomb raiding"  
Chandler twisted his fingers together anxiously. "Er, could you get us a cab out of this world of virtual reality, please?" He said. Lara stared for a moment and bit her lip and released it as she thought. Then she sighed as she looked at the three friends,

"If you are dumb enough to believe that you can get a cab in the middle of a jungle in Peru, " She shifted her weight to her other leg. "then you might as well just jump off that cliff over there because the ravine is filled with apricot flavored jelly."

"Really?" Joey said as he ran for the nearby cliff. Chandler and Phoebe quickly grabbed him before he could plummet to his certain death. They then peered over the edge to confirm their beliefs of what was a deep and seemingly bottomless ravine. Phoebe and Chandler then looked at Joey in a way which meant "_Now _do you still want to jump?" Lara had on the most confused facial expression that her artificial intelligence could conjure. "Oh my god" and for a moment there she sounded like Janice, "I was going to say: I'm not taking you with me, you would only slow me down; but it seems there's less planning involved in getting rid of you dead-weights than I thought."

"Wait!" Phoebe exclaimed, "You have to tell us how to get out!"

"And not by means of apricot flavored jelly!" Chandler remarked. "...which by, you obviously meant 'jello'." Then Lara shuffled her feet around as the patience began to burn out in her emotion bank. She was thinking of devious ways in which she could use the three of them to get hold of the hidden relics for her. "OK I can get you out of trouble for the time being, providing I can use you to help me finish this level quicker."

"Well, seems like that's the best choice we have." Chandler approved. Phoebe nodded.

"Does any part of this level include a giant cotton candy cloud?" Joey asked eagerly.

"That's _Yoshi's story_ you moron." Replied Lara, "But if you're so eager to keep asking me pointless random questions, you might as well just ask me why I don't just throw you in the lake and use you as harpoon target practice."

"What's a harpoon?"


	2. Gravity defying sandwiches

**TOW all the tombraiders**

**Gravity defying sandwiches**

A/N: I damn well do not own them and you know it

A/N: Thanks for the comments, please make more!

The friends weren't in the real Peru, or the Peru Joey had heard about on the Discovey channel when he couldn't find the remote; it was a computer generated Peru. Lara had left them there because she was going insane in the attempt to reason with them. They had followed her for a little while, only to be deserted in a small clearing surrounded by aztec-like buildings and a peruvian style rainforest. Then there was a flash back.

"This is it," moaned Chandler, "I can't run anymore. I'm calling a cab. TAXI! TAXI!"

Lara sighed, "What, you _don't_ like this way?" She raised an eyebrow, "Our only other option is to swing on those gym poles and shimmi above that ravine. I just didn't think you were up for that so I opted to using the shortcut through the rainforest instead."

Then Phoebe pondered for a moment, "Why would there be gym poles in the Peruvian rainforest?"

"Why would there be Phoebes in the Peruvian rainforest?" Lara replied.

"Point taken."

"I'm hungry!" Wailed Joey.

"That's it," said the infuriated Lara, "I'm leaving."

Then Chandler watched Lara leave, "I can't really move, so, will someone wave my arm for me?"

"Oh don't worry," said Phoebe, "because I know how all of us are going to die; and this is not it. I would've known it otherwise."

"Well _that_ sure eased the pressure off us all." Chandler said spicily.

Then Joey shouted, "I have to pee!"

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Chandler looked down at himself, and noticed that he had been converted to a computer generated Chandler. "ARGH!" He said as he noticed his shiny new skin.

"Dude!" laughed Joey, "You're a computer guy!"

"So are you!" Yelled Chandler.

Joey looked at his hands. "AAAAAAARGH!" Phoebe smacked him in the face to make him stop. "OW!"

"OK. I was just seeing if we can still feel pain." said Phoebe. Then as if to pardon herself, she began to fish into her handbag. A second later she took out a sandwich and used her other arm as a guide as she aimed it directly at the sky. Chandler stared, in a lame-cool guy sort of way. Joey's concern was only on the sandwich. Phoebe then threw the sandwich upwards, and everyone watched it smack straight down on the ground. Joey looked puzzled and partly disheartened to see such good food go to waste, and he quickly rescued it from the ground. However Phoebe continued to pick sandwiches out of her bag, and began to hurl them even harder at the sky. "Phoebes!" Joey took a huge bite out of the sandwich, "You're wasting the good pistrami!"

"Don't interrupt me," uttered Phoebe; and her tone grew more serious. "I'm helping us see how we can get out."

"Dare I even ask?" Chandler protested. "How is throwing sandwiches at the sky helping us find a way out?"

"Ooh ooh, I think I know this one!" Interupted Joey. "She's trying to attract some giant birds, so that they can fly us safely home!"

"Oh c'mon, that's just crazy!" Laughed Phoebe.

"_That's_ what's crazy?" said Chandler, "Seriously, what do you expect these sandwiches to do, fly to the nearest phonebox and call a rescue mission?"

"No, these sandwiches fly up, see?" Phoebe expalined rationally.

"Yes they do. And fall down."

"Well, I figured if these sandwiches can defy gravity, then so can we."

"Phoebe, if we were flying around in the atmosphere, believe me, you would know about it!"

Joey caught another sandwich, but by now his arms were already full and he was beginning to drop some of them. So he skipped happily through the downpour catching them in his mouth. "Hmmwmmwmwmmwsshmms?" Said Joey.

"what?" Both of them asked. Joey swallowed.

"How did you know to bring this many sandwiches?"

"Well" Phoebe began, "I dreamt that this would happen so it just seemed obvious that I should come prepared!"

"Did you dream the part where we got out? Chandler hastened.

"Um no, I woke up at that part."

"You knew that this was going to happen, and you didn't tell us?" Joey said through his pistrami-covered face.

"Yes I _did_ actually!" said Phoebe, "Remember, you said..." and she put on her best Chandler impression, "Yes and you can tell that to the nice poeple in white coats when _they_ arrive!" Chandler laughed on the reminder of his own witt, and Phoebe talked like herself again, "And as a matter of fact I _did_ tell them that, and they tried to put me in a straight-jacket, but they just hadn't counted on me climbing into that window!"

"_That's_ why you climbed in through the window?" Chandler shouted. "I thought you were just superstitious about the door!"

"No Chandler, it's Rachel's door that's unlucky!"

Just then, Monica walked into the Joey Room, "Guys, where have you got to?" Then in the silence, she picked up one of the controlers and plugged it in. "I bet they _suck_ at this!"


	3. Pogosticks and bouncycastles and stuff

**TOW all the tomb raiders **

**Pogo-sticks and bouncy-casltes and stuff**

Instantly, Chandler started to move around involuntarily. He was running against his own will, "What the?"

Joey and Phoebe doubled over in laughter as Chandler jumped ten feet high into the air. "Stop lauging!" He then did a summersault, "What's doing this?"

"It's Monica!" Joey said, rolling on the ground hysterically. "On that big screen over there!"

He indicated a big huge screen which had seemingly been watching them the whole time. Chandler tried to wait till his feet were firmly on the ground before he could say something, but Monica had him doing cartwheels by now. "Monica!" Shouted Phoebe, who was still recovering from her friend's unintentional acrobatics display. "You'll _never_ get that golden artefact _this_ way!"

"Phoebe!" Chandler gasped as he recovered his breath, "For the love of good sense, _don't_ antagonize her!"

"I'm just saying, she has to get you to use the grapple on that ravine!" Phoebe argued.

Then Monica gasped, "Oh my god!" her hands over her mouth, "Chandler?"

"Yes!" He hung his head, a little embarassed at the situation, but he had to bend over a little anyway, as he was still out of breath from all the jumping.

"Joey? Phoebe?" Monica was staring closely at the screen and pointing with her finger.

"Oh no!" Shouted Phoebe in all seriousness, "It's the lampton Worm! It's come to claim its revenge!"

"Sorry." Said Monica, removing her finger from the screen and moving slightly away. "You'd better have a good explantion for this, Mr Bing!" She pointed an angry finger at the man being accused.

Suddenly Joey's face lit up, "I know!" he interrupted. "Monica has to complete this level by playing Chandler!"

Chandler made pathetic weeping sounds.

Phoebe was in Joey's mind about it. "Ooh yeah, and Monica," She began, "you have to do that thing with the thing, you know?"

"You mean this?" Monica asked, improvising a little back flip on Chandler.

"YEAH!" Phoebe and Joey both contorted with laughter. "_exactly_ that!" Phoebe said. Monica was laughing too.

"_Remind me never to let you play again!_" Said Chandler pungently. "And that goes for _all_ of you!"

"This is like a metaphor you know," Phoebe pointed out, "for the way that Monica controls you!"

"What are you talking about?" Chandler hastened, "Monica does not control me!" Monica then forced him to do a forward roll. He immediately stood up and straitened out his sweater vest. "I stand, _controllingly_ corrected." He looked around, "Hang on, I seem to remember something about that game." He looked sheepishly at Joey and Phoebe. "Monica, would you please hit the _select_ button?" Monica shrugged and proceeded to pressing the select button when Phoebe shouted, "NO wait, that swaps the characters!" But Monica had already done that, and Phoebe was now jumping around. "WOAH! Hey this is sort of what it was like using a pogo stick on a bouncy castle!" As she got put back on the ground.

"Phoebe, _you've_ used a pogo stick on a bouncy castle?" Asked Chandler.

"Yeah sure!"

"OK sorry, I feel kind of mean for that!" appologized Monica.

"That's OK sweetie." Said Chandler.

"Not _you_. I was _talking_ to Phoebe!" She continued. "But now it's Joey's turn!"

"Um, OK giant Monica head" Joey proceeded, "...but can you get me up to that cloud?"

"Sure, why?

"I wanna see what it taste like!" In turn, Monica quickly pressed A so Joey could jump up really high and reach the cloud. He swiped with his hands but missed it by an inch. The friends watched him jump a second time. This time Monica's gaming skills payed off, and Joey was able to bite himself a mouthful of...cloud. When he was back on the ground he swallowed. Everyone stared at him.

"Hmmm..." Joey pondered, "Tastes like air!" Chandler nodded at him with a sarcastic expression.

"OK!" Said Monica. Then she got up very quickly, "Oh, I have to go, the twins just woke up! I don't wanna leave the game just like this, is there apause button?" She thought to herself, then she pressed the start button.

"AARGH!" Everybody in the game turned up back in the Joey Room.

"What did she do?" Asked Joey

"Guys?" Monica turned around, "Oh finally, you have some expaning to do, Mr!" Monica said to Chandler.

"But I _don't know_ how we got in the game!" Chandler pleaded.

"Oh not that." her hands on her hips, "Why is your _son_ asking me whether he could '_be_ any more bored'?" Chandler looked around for a distraction,

"Because he is a fast learner...and, damn I told him not to repeat that!" Joey and Phoebe could sense the oncomming danger, and decided to leave the room. In the livingroom, they bumped into Ross and Rachel. They briefly greeted eachother.

All the friends excluding Monica were seated on and around the livingroom couch. "OK so what did you _do_ today?" Rachel asked.

"I ate a cloud!" Replied Joey.

"Cloud-er-berry!" Interrupted Phoebe. "He ate a clouderberry!" Joey looked confusedly at Phoebe, not understanding quite what had happened. Chandler gave him a cold stare to warn him to keep his trap shut.

"Em Ok." Said Rachel bewilderdly, "I've never heard of a clouderberry."

"There is no such thing!" Stated Ross.

"Ok" Rachel was already bored with the subject, "so Joey, _you_ 'ate' something but what did _you_ do, Phoebe?"

"Ooh ooh!" She exclaimed excitedly, "I used a pogo stick on a bouncy castle!"

"_Couldn't_ have used anything more ordinary." said Chandler.

Ross and Rachel stared at them. Joey was avoiding the awkward situation by looking up at the ceiling. Phoebe picked at her fingernails.

"Hey, you haven't told us what _you've_ done!" Chandler broke in.

Suddenly, "GUYS?" Monica stormed into the livingroom. Their faces turned, "What is this lady doing in my house?" Lara Croft followed Monica into the room. Phoebe decided to butt in, "It's the Tomb Raider lady!" she shouted.

"Joey!" Monica exclaimed, "I told you _not_ to invite strippers here!"

"She's a stripper?" Was all that crossed Joey's mind.

"Ok. I don't get it." Ross said. "Is this just your girlfriend?" he asked Joey.

"I am so not his girlfriend!" Spat Lara. "I wouldn't date _him_ if he were the last man on earth!" Suddenly Monica recognized Lara from the picture on the front cover of the Tomb Raider game. "Oh my god!" She gasped.

"What's wrong?" asked Ross.

"Oh...nothing. I mean, stripper Lady...that's who you are..." She winked at Lara to try to share her secret.

"...Yeah, whatever." and Lara mumbled under her breath, "Stripper, my ass!"

"I think you should go home now" Monica continued to improvise, "But first you should pick up that sweater you forgot..." Lara followed Monica into the bedroom. Joey tried to follow them, but Monica kicked him in the shin, forcing him to sit back down. The others didn't see the shin-kicking.

"Really Joey" Rachel began, "I can't believe you would invite a stripper to your best friend's house, who by the way, is married!"

Joey guiltyly looked down at the floor, "It's just hard to break an old habbit!" he mumbled. Meanwhile, Monica was reaching for the controller. She figured if she pressed the start button again, she could get Lara back in the game. "CLICK!"

Ross and Monica entered the Joey Room, "Is everything OK?" Rachel asked. Joey, Chandler and Phoebe were behind them.

"Hey!" said Ross, "She's gone!" The only erson left standing in the room was Monica.

"Oh well..." Monica began, "I tried to stop her but...she just climbed out the window!" She indicated the window, which had been significantly opened before.

Joey immediately climbed out of the window, "Stripper girl, come back!" He ran into the street, where a guy honked his car-horn at him, "_Get out of the way you idiot!_" Chandler smacked his own face with his hand. Monica grinned, she had of course sent Lara back into the game where she belonged.

"OK guys." Said Phoebe, "I think I'll go home." And she climbed out of the window. Ross, Rachel and Monica were staring the most. Chandler didn't see because his hand was still on his face, but he assumed as much. Monica then went into the kitchen to do some compulsive cleaning. Ross and Rachel looked at the XBox game on the screen, "Hey," Rachel began, "Isn't that..."

"Don't ask!" Said Chandler. "Don't ask!"

End.

A/N: Retarded? Please give me your opinion.

A/N: How would you like me to send my completely different other story? It will be a drama/angst Chandler and Joey friendship.

A/N: Peace out. :)


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